Sep. 8th, 2016
Turns Out I’m Just Like Gideon
It feels like bragging.
Iโd much rather let someone else share the good news while I nod, smile, say thank you, and we all move on.
How do you tell people you won an award (or, um, two) without it sounding cocky or prideful?
I donโt know.
Covert Justice won the 2016 Carol Award for Short Novel and a few months ago it won the 2016 Selah Award for Mystery and Suspense.
Why was that so hard to say? Itโs ridiculous really. Especially since my #1 love language is Words of Affirmation. I crave approval the way a kid craves sugar. But even when other people talk about it, it makes me uncomfortable. I appreciate it, but I donโt know what do with it.
So Iโve been talking to my heavenly Father about it. About why Heโs chosen to give me such lovely affirmations and about why Iโm simultaneously ecstatic and embarrassed by them.
I donโt have a definitive answer. I may never get one. But this weekend, I got a glimpse, a snippet, a clue into whatโs going on.
Turns out, Iโm just like Gideon.
Two fleeces. Two awards.
Gulp.
You know the story, right? God calls Gideon to a work he doesnโt think he can do, so Gideon asks God to prove it. To prove to Gideon that all of this hasnโt been in his imagination and that He will be with him in battle. Instead of God turning Gideon into a little pile of Gideon dust, God agrees to the test! One night, the fleece is wet and the ground is dry, and still Gideon doesnโt quite believe. The next night, the fleece is dry and the ground is wet. Boom.
I didnโt ask God for a fleece, but I might as well have. He knows my heart. Knows my fears and insecurities.
Now, I have to wonder if when I sit down to write a new story and am overcome with panic that someoneโs going to figure out that I.AM.A.FRAUD.โdoes God want to grab my face in His holy hands and turn it around until I see those two awards sitting on the mantle? The two awards for a book that I didnโt think I could write. For a book that His fingerprints are all over. For a book that has opened up opportunities for me that I never could have imagined.
Is He waiting for me to finally believe?
Not to believe that I can do anything, but that He can do everything.
Not to think that I have any reason to boast, except in the cross of our Lord Jesus Christ, but to understand that I have every reason to shout from the rooftops how awesome He is, and to cheerfully and with a peaceful heart move forward into the battle Heโs calling me to fight.
Is He wondering just how much He is going to have to do to convince me?
I wish I could tell you that this realization has left me raring to charge into the fray. That my fingers are twitching with the possibilities. That Iโm thrilled to find out how God is going to show up in this next chapter.
But the truth is, Iโm still afraid.
My mouth is dry, my chest is tight. My fear of failure is off the charts.
So I do what I always do. I try to figure it out. I work myself half to death this week and I get caught up. I get caught up on the laundry, the housework, the bills, the school schedule.
And I kid you notโฆfive minutes after I think, โOkay. Iโm going to survive this. This is going to work,โ I get an email that sends me right back into panic mode.
Itโs a good email. A positive one. But it contains marching orders. Thereโs more to do.
And once more, I wonder why God picked me for this and then I think about Gideon. He figured it out. He gathered his armyโand God sent most of them home. We all know whyโso no one would ever be able to say heโd won in his own strength. The battle is the Lordโs. He will win it. And anyone watching, anyone listening to the story as itโs told later, will have no choice but to say, โGod did that.โ
So this is where I am.
Iโm marching into battle armed with a few words and a few ideas and a whole lot of questions. I am terrified, but I know that anything good that has ever happened or ever will happen is because of Him. I am clinging to these words from Thessaloniansโฆ โHe who calls you is faithful; He will surely do it.โ
If you want to know how you can best support my writing, pray that I will stay close to Jesus and that I will rely on Him to do what only He can.
Heโs amazing and when Iโm not hyperventilating, I really am excited to see what Heโs going to do next.
Thank you for joining me on this wild adventure with Christ.
Grace and peace,
Lynn
I love your honesty. It is amazing and fun to see where you started and from my view publishing your first book seemed quick. But I'm sure if like me you were working towards the goal a lot longer. As far as embarrassing I find it hard to take compliments. My childhood was never filled with compliments. So when someone compliments me on my hair or my dress I'm like a deer in the headlights. I hear the compliment but can't always process. So someone may think me rude when I don't respond.
Accept what God has done through you and give him the glory. I'm in awe of young moms like yourself who do so much and still finds time to write.
Blessings and congratulations Lynn.
That is exactly what will be in my prayers for you! You are awesome and so inspirational! You are an amazing writer and will do a great job on what is next. Remember to find time to have fun and enjoy it all.
Alysia
So happy for you, Lynn! Out of the slush pile, into the limelight blinking with surprise… ๐ It's quite a journey, and I enjoy watching.
So good, Lynn. Such transparency about the very real fears of "doing it again." You area terrific writer as is clearly noted and I love your Gideonish.